“One of the best science books of 2020.” –NEW SCIENTIST When researcher, writer, and longtime Zen student Bethany Saltman gave birth to her daughter Azalea sixteen years ago, she felt like something was missing. She knew she loved her baby but she would find herself feeling angry, short on patience, sometimes frightening herself with doubt about her capacity to love her daughter well. She didn't know she was about to embark on a 10-year quest to understand the nature of attachment and her own nature as a mother. She launched her own full-scale investigation into the history of attachment research, visiting labs, archives, and training sessions around the country, meeting scientist giants, and exploring the life and work of Mary Ainsworth, an American-Canadian developmental psychologist who would become one of psychology’s most important, but unsung, researchers - the creator of the "Strange Situation" in the 70's. An intriguing laboratory procedure used around the world that revealed the inner dynamics of attachment between parents and children. "Strange Situation" would spur decades of research on child development and parent-child relationships, and has become a gold standard for identifying and classifying individual differences in infant attachment security. If Ainsworth was "unsung" hero of attachment science, then Bethany's book "Strange Situation" is an aria to her remarkable work and a kind of love letter to science, to parent-child delight...and to Mary herself. I was so curious to talk with Bethany not just because her book floored me - her deliberate way of wondering and wandering, her fierce trust in what she couldn’t see, year after year, until she found answers to her questions... But it was her pursuit of the answer to this ONE daunting question - what kind of mother am I? - that really intrigued me. The question led her to search for, find, and follow clues that offered no map, no timeline, and no guarantees...and also eventually led to unforeseen discoveries about herself, her family, the science of attachment, the guiding figures she would meet along the way, and of course the scientist she would only know through archives, records, recordings, and notes - the attachment researcher who captured Bethany’s imagination and heart. "Oh Mary... how did you know?" Bethany’s intimate fascination with Mary is such a powerful element in this book - a kind of amazing alchemy between now and then, between Mary’s footprints in history and Bethany’s footsteps tracking her story NOW…and underneath it all, this quiet pulsing heartbeat of anticipation and hope. She writes in the book, “Mary has magical, mystical powers of attention.” That’s interesting because, reading her book and talking with Bethany, that’s what I sensed about her. From her Zazen meditation years seated on her cushion “being with what is”... to the years of searching to discover what is, what was, and what might be, Bethany teaches us what it means to see ourselves and our children more clearly. We talked about the practice of awareness, sensitivity, presence, seeing, trusting in ourselves, self-care as child-care, and the predictive power of delight. She lives in the Catskills with her husband, daughter, two dogs. And...a lot of books.
"We heal the past by embodying the present. Now, now, now, now, now. That's all we have. When we change the present, history changes." ~ Bethany Saltman
Bethany Saltman is a phenomenon. She's also the author of a brilliant and poignant book called Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey into the Science of Attachment (Ballantine Books, 2020). This book absolutely floored me.
“A fascinating mix of memoir and the history of a major revolution in the scientific theory of the relationships we form in our first year of life…” —BOOKLIST (Starred Review)
It was her pursuit of the answer to a daunting question - what kind of mother am I? - that captivated me. This question led her to search for, find, and follow clues that offered no map, no timeline, and no guarantees...and also eventually led to unforeseen discoveries about herself, her family, the science of attachment, the guiding figures she would meet along the way, and of course the scientist she would only know through archives, records, recordings, and notes - Mary Ainsworth, the attachment researcher who captured Bethany’s imagination and heart.
From her Zazen meditation years seated on her cushion “being with what is” to the years of searching to discover what is, what was, and what might be, Bethany teaches us what it means to see ourselves and our children more clearly. We talk about the practice of awareness, the power of sensitivity, the reality of presence, the process of seeing and trusting in ourselves, self-care as child-care, and the predictive power of delight. This conversation is just a wonder.
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LINKS:
Strange Situation is now out in paperback.
Bethany's website https://www.bethanysaltman.com/
Strange Situation ~ video https://www.bethanysaltman.com/related-videos
A couple of Bethany's acclaimed articles:
https://www.thecut.com/2016/06/attachment-theory-motherhood-c-v-r.html
https://www.thecut.com/2014/10/we-fought-for-affirmative-consent-in-the-90s.html
Bethany's "Secret Teachings Study Group" ~ https://www.bethanysaltman.com/mary-ainsworth-attachment-study-group